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2002-04-30 @ 2:12 p.m.
i kissed a boy yesterday. a new one. a different one. and i liked it but it scares me.
he has 2 eyebrow rings, and hisfather just died. he says i make him feel better than hes felt in months. he says he is happy. and i am drawn to boys with problems. i want to make them better. but it never work. not ever
and he worries me with his drugs and sadness. and he entices me, because he is not smooth around the edges. he is jagged and jaded. and i'm not.
so when he wrote on my pants the words - kiss me- with his finger, i just looked at him, and he kissed me. and it wasn't awkward it was new.
not d's lips or tongue or face. and when i opened m eyes, and i saw him there - i felt surprised.
but i've been thinkng about that kiss all day - and wonderng what it meant. i wonder why i can't stay out of "like" or let myself be alone. just one time
i imagine him helping me let go, but that seems wrong. because as the quote goes "even as i hold you, im letting go" and for now more than ever i understand that. life is a series of letting g ofeveryone, even as they are there, because to think that things last forever is to cheat yourself.
everthing is changing.
including me.
and i'm wondering where the days of longing for things once possessed have gone. and when iturned my back on want. maybe when he turned his back on me.