-
2003-03-27 @ 8:49 p.m.
recently, I have been feeling so melancholy, and out of sorts, that i have wished i could curl up inside of myself until I find myself again. It seems that whenever he is strong, I feel weak. Maybe its because i am a control freak. Maybe i was born with motherly instincts, and his sobriety is parrallel to empty nest syndrome. All i know is that he doesn't need me to pick up the peices at the end of each night anymore and that leaves me feeling meaningless.
As sad and pathetic as it may sound, I need to admit that his weaknesses allowed me to feel strong. And i'm really not.
It has been over 60 days since I found him blue. Since he was reborn, and i haven't been myself since.
when i look into the mirror now, I see someone looking back at me that i hardly recognize. I used to pride myself in thick skin, and forced smiles. But now I frown freely, and the real me is showing..so I guess my skin has thinned.
I tell him this, as I cry on the telephone, and he tells me, that if I want him to throw it all away - so that I can feel happy..he will. All the hard work, he is willing to sacrafice. And maybe it would be an even trade..because come to find out, almost losing him has cost me my strength, my security and my ability to trust anything at all.
But i would never ask that of him. He has come to far, and i probably just need therapy anyway.
Fo those of you who have never supported a recovering addict, maybe you don't understand. but It is like i am in love with a stranger. Where is the alcohol breath, where is the 3 am phone calls, where are the sweaty hands i grew to love? In there place is a boy with clear eyes, and ripened skin, a boy who sees hope in tomorrow. And he is a total stanger.
I wish I loved him first.
but i feel in love with a basket case, and i'm at a loss now. He is gone. And now I feel weak.
The world works in confusing ways. and the philosphy that one wants what is best for them, has flown out of the window.
REVISION: One wants what will make them look the best by comparison.
I still love him, or atleast i am trying.