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2002-04-10 @ 7:02 p.m.
i don't think hate is that bad. and love is good.sorta. in my opinion indifference is the worst. it is total lack of caring. and its scary, because you wonder how it got to that point? how everything just became so utterly unimportant. to the brink of unimportance. and it doesn't nessasarily hurt, because you don't care. and it doesn't pose itself as a threat because you don't care to notice it, but it is a scary thing. i truley believe that.
he is indifferent. i think. he confuses me so much i want to kick him in the face and tell him to just say it! FUCKING SAY WHAT YOU FEEL. he is so scared to hurt me that he'd rather ignore my existence and that fucking knaws at my nerves and it hurts me. it does. hey i'm part of the therapy nation - i can admit that.
its on my part a lack of wanting to except this. something being purely the end. because he has pulled me along, i have pulled him along for so long that its a way of life. we are habits unto eachother and love is not there,not want, just a strange sort of indifference. i do care for him imensley, more so when i feel him slip away. but he has always been there to rescue me when i stop giving a shit. its selfish on his part and stupid on mine, to keep going back. to keep wanting him so bad. and he knows i want him. i know he is scared to let go of me. so i am pulle through shit. and i allow it. what happened to me? and the person i thought i was. where did i go and when will i return?
he is not as bad as i make him out to be i swear. he is clueless actually. bu then again, maybe i am justifying this entire stupid relationship. get me out of here.
its not going to end unless i let it. i know that. don't think me weak. believe me - when you love someone - you begin to put up with shit you swore you'd never. its so true. love weakens your will to protect yourself because you want to make that other person so happy. how is that a good thing?
i am feeling very pms like today and over analytical. i hope noone thinks i am ridiculous. i hope i made sense.
but then again i'm indifferent.
right?