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2002-04-16 @ 2:16 p.m.
how could a boy that looks like him move on. I thought he would have stayed there forever, because well, he wears glasses and he squints alot. and i thought i was better. i did. I thought he was lucky to have me and thats partially his fault. bcause he said he was. but i shouldn't have believed him.
I wasn't conceited at the time, but simply, sure of his feelings for me- and my indifference gave me strength,it gave me power, and i knew for the first time what it was to be a woman. in a stereotypical sense.
but i'm not a feminist. I'm not anything. and hes not a chauvanist, hes none of that. We are both human beings. I wish I would have known that sooner. Because I maybe could have saved myself from the mistake of loving too little,and taking his touches for granted.
I am not a lonley person. and I don't often sit around and dwell on a guy, but he was different. he cared. and I let that slide. the fact that he played guitar constantly, or that he smoked pot twice a day - everyday, or that he liked to tickle me and he said "i love you" ALL THE TIME - i let those wonderful idiosyncrincies(sp) about him, take away from my feelings. I didn't want him to be him. I wanted him to be what i wanted, and noone can be that. It was not his responsibty to provide for me the love to fill the hole in myself. God i know that now.
and I don't want another chance. Because our days are over,and long gone but I just want to get to a place where I am happy with me.
me
me
me
Damnit.
why do i dwell you ask? because I fucked up. and I know it. and can never bring it back. so I have to live and wonder - "what might have been" and maybe you'll tell me, never look back, or neve wonder about the past - focus on the road ahead. Save your advice for a hallmark card or bumper sticker, because advice like that comes a dime a dozen. Let me wallow.
Sorry.
and i know i will forget the pain of my mistak, and that eventually it won't contort my gut everytime I hear the weezer song Jamie (he used to sing it to me) and someday I'llbe able to ride in a car with the windows down sing ok computer and feeling happy to be alive. he gave me those gifts - those meomories, and I'd like to think i did something of the same for him. But will i ever know. Probably not. and Maybe I'll find someone else that doesn't suck. chances seem so bleak,and inprobable. and i'm sure he'll find a girl that thinks he is brilliant. But i do . i do. I did. always have it just took awhile. I'm there. and when he finds her, i will hate her, i know. becuase I know she'll be cool, and that will be even more hard for me. I was thinking today. alot I guess you can tell.