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2002-05-26 @ 10:21 a.m.
at night when i lay in bed, i like to lay in silence. and in pitch blackness.
this is a new thing.
because months ago, when i was so scared that if i slept i'd lose everything, i slept with the light on and the tv murmuring in the backround....because i didn't want to feel alone, and as long as you have sunshine and voices, you have happiness. right?
but thats not true, because i have never been so tired as i have been in the last few months. bu now i am sleeping
and a new ritual has begun. i get into bed and i just turn off all the lights, and the tv too. and i listen to the night noises for awhile. swoooooosh of cars and the creaks of my house settling...and i let my mind wander whereever it wants to go.
and i think happy thoughts. barley audible, or coherant thoughts, but they are there. and i lull myself to sleep on happiness and creaking.
its a beautiful thing when you don't mind losing track of your mind for 8 hours, when not having total control doesn't scare you. maybe because i'm not afraid anymore, i'm not afraid of finding the truth...or having to realize the worst anymore. because i've done it. and i'm ok. its weird when you are happy enough to sleep through a night.
and the weirdest thing is, sometimes, at night..i don't even think of him..
and if i do its ok.
he is a part of me, in dreams and reality. always.