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2002-06-20 @ 12:41 a.m.
i have shit for luck. here i am with a tissue plugging my nose.
i have a cold in june. i went all winter without getting one cold, and on the second week of my summer vacation - well you can call my sniffles. sick man.
well you would be disapointed to know - that today i hung out with the man of my daydreams, the one who told me he was in love with me - andit was worthless.
what do i expect? him to drop to his knees and profess his love? him to cry and beg me for a chance like he did before?
he did - and i said no. and i was wrong. and now things btween us are strange.
solike i was saying- i piss myself off - because i akwardly dropped him off and then half an hour later i left him a message onhis cell phone. Itold him i had been thinking about what he said and i wanted to "talk".
goddamnit. thats going to scare him. i have put the godforsaken ball in his court. i can't call back. all i can do is hope he calls me. and if he doesn't i'll spend my time wondering why i let him get away when i could havehad him.
you know it. i will write unendingly in this diary about him. and i may drive myself insane.
why am i so dramatic.
oh and doug called me today. he wants to hang out because he is moving to towson in a week. its weird but i wadn't that excited at the prospect, though i'm sure it will be good to hang out with him.
i'm so tired that i can't even see straight.
when i was little, i had these tiny little indian dolls that lived in this tiny box, and at night- if you had worries, you told the dolls and they fixed your toubles while you slept. my grandmother got them for me after a trip to mexico.
i believed in those things. i wonder where they are.
i wish i still had the naivety of childhood to get me through the nights.
looks like its another night of food network on low to drown out my thoughts.