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i've never been the one to lose interest. its always been me to sit and wander, what did i do wrong? but the feeling i have, that my heart is just floating away slowly, and even if i wanted to i couldn't catch it and deliver it to him, well i must say - that feeling could almost be worse,

i feel like a bitch. i feel like i am wrong.

but now i understand - you can't bring the feelings back if they have krept away. the heart has a mind all its own. and when he looks at me, all confused and hurt, i just want to hold him, because i know the pain he is feeling, i understand what is going on behind the hurt in his eyes....but holding him will only confuse him more, it will only add more questions, and a glimmer of hope that really may not exists.

his eyes are so sad. i wish he hated me, or found me ugly. than i wouldn't be the asshole. and i wouldn't be hurting a boy who has already seen so much pain in his life.

so much

more than any one person should ever see. maybe thats my problem. i cannot be his ray of sunshine. i cannot make him forget the pain, like he tells me i do. that is too mucvh weight on my shoulders. i am human. and flawed as all hell

and there is more to this story, that i don't even want to admit. so much more. you will think i am a bad person, and i fear that you're right.

i imagine myself with this other guy, a million times a day. i imagine how his arms would feel around me and the way he would look at me. how it would make me feel. and i like it. i dream of it. and i want it.

so yes, when i am sitting with him, and looking off into space and he asked me what is on my mind, of course i can't tell him. of course not. and he'll never know. and i may never know the truth behind my daydreams.

please understand, my heart is crazy. it needs turmoil.

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