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2002-06-24 @ 10:19 a.m.
I am physically unable, mentally unable to do anything for myself. I mean I can tie my shoe. I can feed myself. I can make decsions. But the hardest thing for me to do is to be selfish. it makes me feel like an asshole.
but I tried to be selfish this week. i broke up with someone. And that was probably one of the hardest things i've ever done. Really. I would rather be the dumped than the dumpee. when i know i have hurt someone it is hard for me to function.
my conscience is eating me alive. I made a mistake. i kissed someone else before i had even broken up with the other guy.
I kissed him voluntarily and i did it with passion.
I am a bitch.
and i felt horrible afterwards. i have never done that before. I am not he cheating type. and i wasn't drunk, or momentarily insane. which is the worst part.
I wanted to kiss him so i did it. for the first time in my life i was completley selfish and look at me now.
karma
I have ths great guy, who cannot sleep at night because of me.
ME
honestly. what is it that he sees? i say the wrong thing all the time, i laugh too much , i talk massive amounts of shit, i roll my eyes, i wear shoes without socks and i have completley uncontrollable hair. I have freckles on my nose.
and he sees someone in me that i am not ready to see.
Like a real person. and that scares me.
Sound strange?
Not really. if someone has the capacity to love little old me despite my flaws than they deserve someone capable of loving them right. and i don't even really know how to love myself.
that may seem like a cheap excuse but i've thought long and hard. and i don't even know myself very well. I've always let a guy define me.
It is so hard to admit that. i feel so weak. but why lie to myself?
So i needed time for me.
how cliche does that seem? Very. but it makes perfect sense.
so yeah i'm being selfish. and i hate it.
oh and one more thing. i have feelings for the guy i kissed too. thought i'd throw that in there to add some more pressure to the pain. i want to kiss him again.
and maybe that makes me a bad person. or maybe that makes me just what i am. 18. young.stupid