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2002-08-22 @ 1:12 a.m.
Somehow nothing is ever enough. i can never be totally without doubt in evrything..in everyone..in him. i don't feel welcomed in the silence of his room. and although it wasn't totally silent (forest gumps southern drawl filled the backround) the fact that he was sleeping and i wasn't made me feel so alone. could be comforted by the rhythmn ofhis breath, and the whir of the fan, i could appreciate jsut laying next to him, but he wasn't touching me and he wasn't needing me and i felt pointless and desperate.
so i shook him and i told him - i only have 2 days left with you. I told him he dioesn't seem to understand that i'm leaving. I'm moving. Away from him and away from the intimacy in his bed, in his arms...but he told me he was tired. and that was that.
So i put my shoes on in a huff. I expected him to stop me, to tell me to wait or to come back, but instead as i walked out he called, drive careful baby i love you.
and i closed the door.
when will that be enough.
maybe i'm a pain in the ass girl..maybe he really was tired, but tonight was lacking passion, and when i look at him that is all i feel.
I felt alone in that.
so here i am now. and i'd rather be there, huffing and stirring next to his warm body, and even if he isn't in me - right now that'd be enough.
he's sleeping soundly. I miss him already.
what am i going to do when i can no longer watch him sleep..