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2002-10-19 @ 12:35 p.m.
Last night I dreamt that I saw Doug, he was working at rite aid. we wandered the isles, and he was holding my hand the whole time. It felt normal. But its not, we never held hands...shit we couldn't even hold gazes. and when I was leaving he hugged me for a really long time.
Sometimes I wonder why i loved him so much, and why I always will...because here I am almost a year and a half after our "official breakup" (which wan't a breakup at all considering we still hung out daily for another year) and I can still remember how it felt to be in his arms..how his breath smelled, how his sheets smelled, how my hair would smell just from being around him. It smelled like must, and happiness and childhood. And still after all this time,and all the shit he put me through.. I miss it.
Last night I was laying next to Josh and I closed my eyes, and tried to pretend I was in Dougs room. It was strange, and It was impossible to do. They breath differntly at night and their bodies feel different.
It didn't make me sad..but I felt like a bad person. When I left Josh, I didn't even want to tell him I love him..because I was afraid It was a lie.
But I do love him. And i am not convincing myself of this, It is the truth. I love them both. and i can't help that.
I think i'm kind of lucky. and selfish