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2003-05-06 @ 8:17 p.m.
are you ever so bored with your life that you would rather sleep than face the day, knowing it will hold nothing but dissapointment and monotomy. Do you ever smoke a ciggarette and look in the mirror at yourself, and think "this is me. this is it. is that what they all see?" because the you that you are in your mind would be so unrecognizable to how they all percieve you. Happy. A little nuts. together
you know it is all lies. and your heart and stomach and mind are all held together by a thin string of tattered hope. One day you will find what you are looking for. But its so easy to pretend to know. so easy to stay in bed and sulk.
On days that i feel this way, I wonder when i became numb, when i became one of these people who pretend happiness, who force smiles. And when did i get so bored that I don't even do that anymore.
I would rather listen to radiohead and try to figure it out. Try to pretend like i understand. Or listen to bjork and want to curl up in a ball and die, because her voice is so small and grand it makes me want to cry...things i will never be...people i will never touch.
and people keep saying, life is a journey. People keep telling me it will get better. and i believe them.
if i could have one gift it would be of words to express it all. All of it. But words aren't enough, and music makes me cry, and art is messy. and i am lazy.