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The other day, I was sitting in the back seat of my friends car, listening to a particularly shitty cd that my boyfriend decided to purchase on a whim, when I began to feel like i was going to faint or pass out or hyperventilate.

I'm not an anxious type person, and i've only fainted once, during my anorexic days....but the feeling is distinct, and you know what is about to happen. I felt like i had tunnel vision and the only thing i could see was my hand laying on my lap, and the only sound i heard was a high pitched screeching noise from inside my head. I had to close my eyes for a minute, and slow my heart. The feeling passed as quickly as it came...but the reason for me feeling that way has stuck with me.

I think the catalyst was a conversation i had had a few days earlier with josh, about how all he remembers from his fathers funeral is how, his fingernails were blue. he said that is all he could focus on, and when he thinks of that day, that is the image that comes to mind.

At the time, the story just seemed sad, but for some reason that really bothered me.

fast forward to the friends car and the shitty cd, and me sitting in the back. I happen to glance down at my hands and thats when it happened.

I began to wonder, if i should write in my will to have the funeral comsmatologist lady paint my nails so that my family doesn't have to see the particular shade of blue that death brings.

I have the ability to be a very dark person at times, even when i was a little girl I would lay in bed in cry, afraid that i would not waske up in the morning. sometimes i would tell all of my stuffed animals goodbye, and stare longingly at my wallpaper, hoping to be able to see it one last time.

do you think i watched too many movies? maybe it was soul asylums run away train video with all of the missing children.

whatever the reason I am a sucker for gloom

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