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Today i was driving around. It is a cold and rainy day, the kind where i just want to listen to Vespertine and be melancholy. So thats what I did. And in doing that i came to the conclusion that I am just scared. torture myself when he doesn't call, and my heart rips a little more each time i see him smile at anyone else,because someho i have begun to believe, his smiles are mine. But thats not true.

I am just being selfish and I am scared of being alone. Because it is then that i will have to find sometin in myself that I still haven't found. When I am in his arms - i feel complete. and although that sounds romantic, it s bullshit. I shouldn't need his arms to be whole. I am scared of finding emptynss, or greatness. I am scared of not having someone to blame.

I do love him. thngs like this are never black or white. Life i jsut one big gray area. But is that good enough?

He told me "i love you, and that is the problem." and until now I never understood that concept. But the truth is...oddly enough -he is jsut like me. scared

but it is a beautiful fear to have. because it means I am capable of love and I have aknowleged a need for self discovery.

but i can't promise things are over. TO myself or anyone else. because a realization won'take me stronger or eager to move on.

its a reality check

and i know i'll be alright either way.

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