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2002-08-09 @ 5:01 p.m.
You don't imagine, when you are young, that on the moment your life changes, you will be wearing a weezer shirt and old jeans. you don't envision yourself barefoot with purple toenails. you don't think you'll be in your best friends bathroom trying to force yourself to pee....and praying to a god you don't even believe in that its all jsut a nightmare. you don't think you'll not want it to be true.
I'd have never thought that the first words out my mouth would be "oh jesusfuckingchrist"
and i didn't think it'd be him. he is wearing a scarface shirt and he jsut looks so young. his freckles are showing. He isn't doug. He isn't the person I loved forever. But i guess that I do.
I never thought I'd resent it. I never thought I'd want to smoke ciggarretes to make it go away. I never thought my stomach, every cramp every gurggle would petrify me. Never.
this feelng is plaguing me. I feel like the worst and most selfish person in the world. I feel like i should be ripped from this world. Not the baby.
Its not his/her (oh my god) fault that i was to irresponsible, too caught up in the moment to even think. to even stop.
but these are the consequnces. and I will have to live with myself every day. I will have to wonder everyday - what it would look like, wha would its' name be, and i will have to livewith the knowledge that i am destroying what is meant to be the greatest love of my life.
I can't beleive I'm even writing this on here. I feel as though all who read tis will hate me. But please know..I am a good person. I am only 18. I am not a slut. I've been with 2 guys and they have both been my boyfriends.
What am I justifying.
I fucked up. We fucked up. and my eyes look jsut empty. I stare at nothing.I imagine her face ( i think its a girl) and i wish it could be me.
Its jsut a cell its jsut a cell its jsut a cell.
I'm selling my soul to the devil.