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2002-08-15 @ 4:47 p.m.
I guess i should update. But i don't want to talk about it. I have avoided thinking about it. i could beat myself up forever because - technically - i am a murderer. I sometimes feel as though i am. but i will say no more. i have to move on.
I bought a new bjork cd today- it is an import and it is sung entirely in icelandic. It is very beautiul and jazz inspired and much like all of her music it leaves me feeling wintery.
Tonight i am going to visit doug, and i'm looking forward to that. sometimes it is good to go back to your roots. I talked to him today and his voice sounded so familiar and eager to hear mine. Imagine him eager for me. I never thought. Only dreamed. You can truley love someone without needing them. I have that figured out now. He is my one pure love because he was my first. every other love is tainted by him... but I guess that keeps me calm, becuase i know he is always there with in lessons he has taught me..protecting me.
I don't know why i'm talking about us. I guess i need a distraction from today and all the past todays that are plaguing me like a slow disease - they threaten to eat me from the inside out - intill i am left as nothing , but a shivering pile of nerves and self doubt.
did i do the right thing. I will never know.