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2003-01-07 @ 1:19 a.m.
your laugh sounds like a cry and it hurts my core when i hear it. It makes me ache with the emptyness you must feel. I don't even know if i remember a time when you really laughed, and you meant it. all sounds forced out of a drunken delerium or from the back of your mouth, not the pit of your stomach.
I can't even imagine feeling the way that you feel.
and maybe if i could, i would understand why you are slowly killing yourself.
Josh, I love you more than anything. you are an amazing person, you are so smart and unique...but you make me sad. It hurts me physically to be with you...gut wrenching at times. Because the truth is, although i wish i didn't, I feel your pain. I don't know if i am strong enough to carry you.
the worst part is, i feel like i have let you down, no matter how hard i try, or how much you tell me - I am not and never will be what you need to be happy. My love doesn't help you..if you can't even love yourself. And i know it sounds so cliche to say that but its true.
you hate yourself.
and all of these things that i say here, i could never tell you because you'd fall apart. I am sorry your dad died, I am sorry you are an alcoholic, I am sorry that you can't laugh for real..i am sorry that you are lost.