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2003-01-24 @ 10:05 a.m.
Hi Christopher.
anyways, I have literally had the worst week of my life. I feel like i shouldn't mention why on here, but i will. This is my diary for christs sake.
to make a long story short- my boyfriend almost died of a methadone overdose, and i had the honors of finding him in his basement, grey with blue lips. I don't even know what to say to describe what that was like. panic. Horror. a dream.....i wish
I called the ambulance and they took him to the shittiest fucking hospital in my area, and i plan of filing a fucking lawsuit, because the hospital shot him up with narcon - which reverses the effects of the drug, and blocks it from your system - BUT ONLY FOR AWHILE - and they sent him home.
The next morning his mom tried to wake him up and he was blue and unconsious again. Once the narcon wore off it was like he od'd all over again.
This time i really thought i had lost him.
I'm sorry if i'm writing this plainly or bluntly, but he looked like a fucking vegtable. HE was laying in feedle postion, nonresponsive, and we didn't know if he was brain dead or not.
I decided to test for myself. I began to talk to him...i knew he was unconsuious but i told him that if he heard me just to move his thumb. to please just move his thumb.
and he did. he fucking did.
It was a miracle. he escaped death 2 times in 24 hours.
Now the problem is - what do i do?
He took methadone. No he is not a heroin addict, (which is what methadone is used for) but he is fucking idiot. he does like to be fucked up. he just didn't know what the drug would do to him and he was so close to death, that it still feels like a dream. I still feel like if i leave his side, god will take him away...like "haha - you thought he was safe..." how could anyone get 2 chances?
so now what i'm thinking is - he must be special. he must be here for a reason. And the first thing that we have to do to find it - is to get him help.
He needs to go to rehab. He is an alcoholic, who does irresponsible things under the influence, and he also thinks he is invincible.
I stayed with him last night. He is finally off of the oxegen, the cathedar is findally out, and his body has stopped shaking. But he still stares into space and wonders if all of it is a dream.
I know how he feels, because i wonder the same thing. I wish it was. but its not.
this morning he didn;t want me to leave, he didn't want to be alone even for a minute. I think hes more scared than i am that god is going to take away his luck.
But this time he's ok. hes alive.
It breaks my heart. just everything breaks my heart. Why him? its not fair. He is such a good person. He is just self destructive, but to me - he is worth it. He is my angel. - does that sound perverse? Fuck it.
I'm being honest.
he looked me in the eyes and told me "please don;t let me die" - and that is a promise i intend to keep.
I will never give up on him.
call me crazy, or call me madly, utterly and helplessly in love.