-
2003-02-09 @ 11:55 p.m.
I have larengitis and i sound at best like peter brady.
I have been sick for so long i forget what its like to feel normal...but i guess thats going around.
I really can't wait until summer. I think i have the winter blues...i get it every year,the coldness just depresses me.
and i know that the .5 people who read this are sick of hearing about Josh, but I can't explain how scared I am of the way I feel for him. I love him very much...but the stuff that has happened between us has put this weird gap between us. I feel betrayed. I feel fucking stupid for not knowing what was going on in his life...even though i was the "only one he turned too"
I need control over situations, and his sickness...his addictions are totally out of my control. He is in rehab now and has been for 3 weeks. whenever i talk to him on the phone we fight. I want him to realize all that i've done for him and i want a good reason for why he hurt me so badly...but "he has a problem" and i am supposed to except that and forgive him.
and i know i should,maybe...but god i have been hurt before..and I am keeping my guard up.
I have never felt so scared in my life. its the weirdest thing. being that close to a death makes me think all the time that i could die at any time. Its not even about him,
before him i was immortal. Everyone i loved was immortal. and at the young age of 18 I stricken with the truth..that nothing is certain and it is fucking with my head in god awful ways.
I miss him so much that it hurts and i am so afraid that when he comes home, everything will have changed. I am scared that before our relationship was centered around his weaknesses and me being his strength. and it sounds selfish but i am afraid that when he gets better, he won't need me anymore.
at night i don't want to sleep. I don't want to do anything. I haven't gone out with my friends past 9 in 2 weeks. I just want to be alone, I just want to wallow.
look what you have done to me.