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ok so they say the first step is admitting you have a problem. SO I'm admitting it. I can't keep my meals down. or rather, I don't want to. I guess we call it bulemia. I call it my dirty secret.

but I don't want to be this way anymore. so i am telling on myself.

It started in 10th grade. Food makes me feel guilty, makes me feel greedy and disgusting. SO after i ate, I would go and stick my finger down my throat. I did it on occasion but it wasnt a daily thing at that time. It is when I met doug that I stopped. He made me feel beautiful, and so for awhile, I thought I was too.

but i went away to college, and began to feel unmotivated, unhappy and lost - so for whatever reason that was my release. some kids partied their ass's off...I vomited.

I am a party animal.

Eventually I was failing out of school, not becuase of this, but I was depressed and unmotivated, and unwilling to get out of bed.

I thought to myself, maybe college isn't for me...if I go home, go to carroll, get a job, get an apartment, and transfer to towson and commute, everything will be easier. I will feel better.

I thought I needed my people

but home was the same. and I still felt like shit, and I was still throwing up. Every day. Twice a day. In a 3 week period of time I went from 135-120, either by starving myself, or throwing it all up, or taking diet pills. And I felt good.

but i am too lazy for this life anymore. I can't purge everytime I eat, It is very exhausting, and shameful and scary

I knew it was consuming me when I would go out to dinner, and do it at the resutaurant, or when I would be at Josh's and still feel compelled to spew in his tiolet. There was nothing that could stop the voice in my head that was telling me "food is disgusting, you are fat"

It makes me feel better. It is like a cleansing.

Like everything in life, there is reason for why i do it. I am the classic overachiever. I have a problematic household. My boyfriend is a recovering Drug addict and alcoholic (over 60 days sober and counting!!!....) and I am this person, stuck in the middle of this insanity, trying to be strong, trying to come out unscathed, and show them all that I will make it.

and I have failed. I have dropped out of school, gone on leave from my Job and tomorrow morning I am leaving This town.

Not for adventure. I'm going to stay with my grandmother for awhile. or atleast until I stop feeling dependent on Josh for my happiness, and I am able to create my own.

I need to do this. Noone asked me to. I woke up sunday morning, when out to breakfast with Josh, and came home to vomit. And sitting on my bathroom floor drool stringing from my mouth to the toilet, muscles tensed, stomach lurching I thought to myself, (and I quote) "this is fucking enough"

So my suspicions are true. I'm not better than the lot of them. All the crazies I know, and try to fix...and all along, I am one.

Isn't it ironic. Don't ya think?

| Stereo>