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2003-03-21 @ 2:21 p.m.
my grandmothers house has always been my home away from home. When i was little she used to tell me "if you ever want to run away - get on the first bus to my house." and i listened.
I love it here because inside it always feels like a rainy day - cozy and just the right amount of dark. It smells like her perfume and ciggarettes..but only when i am here do i think ciggarrettes smell good...comforting.
when i was little i used to come and stay with her for a month in the summer, and she always remembers that i loved ornages and apples and green grapes. She asks me now if i still love these things..and i hadn't even thought about it in awhile - but i guess i do...
Its funny all the simple things you love - without hurt or deception when you are 8 years old. Love is so easy than. I wish i could go back to that. I think we all do.
But somewhere along the way innocence is lost. It could have been the first time i kissed a boy, or when i realized my parents didn't know everything..whenever it was - I wish i had payed attention..i wish i could remember what it was like to wake up to the realities of life. Now i live in them, and sometimes it can be such a cold place.
but some things never change. Like the smell of her house, or the way she laughs, or the fact that she always has ice tea and a ciggarette (always Salem) in her hand. Constants are good. they make you feel like no matter where in the world you are - if you have that one constant thing - you are never too far.
I wonder what my constant is? What comforts others about me? My sloppiness, my sarcasm, my really bad mouth?
when i graduated from highschool my dad wrote me a letter telling me all the things he was going to miss about me. My half eaten apple cores, the click of the computer keys, and the way that a room smells like me after I have left it. That was probably the nicest letter I have ever recieved. when i think about it now - i think its because It made me feel like I have a presence...which is something that we all fail to realize.
Why then - doesn't he miss me. Josh. He keeps busy fixing cars at work, and changing breaks and oil and going to AA meetings, and when i call he talks to me for no more than 3 minutes. he is too busy to miss me. I'm not real enough to him.
So I turned off my cell phone. I can't be there when he calls. Being with my grandmother is going to be "all consuming" for the next week.Maybe i can get back to the place I once was - and I can do it without him. Maybe if I stop trying to be in love it will come to me - in the simple things in life. I like grapes better than boys anyway. And no matter what - I know my dad will always love me a million times more, and miss me a thousands times more than any boy ever will. As long as I remember that - i am not alone. and i matter